Heroes, Dark places and talks with myself.

10 Julho, 2020

I keep thinking about heroes. About that person that actually saves you from the madness of the world. That makes wanna live when you actually want to die. I always stare to street from the window of the kitchen office and hope every white car that stooped by was yours. That you would be the hero on the modern version of the white horse, that came to see me. That would come to save me from the nightmares that keep me awake at night.
I used to look at my bottle of water, watching the actual water balance on the inside as I shake it, imagining theres poison in it. Would I drink it?
I used to listen the train passing trought the rails so closely, asking myself, would I jump?
I picture those situations so closely, that they became normal, a hobby, i would say, even before the madness of all this came down. I still do. “There’s not much left for me out there”, that’s what I always seem to think, always getting distracted of that by some sort of momentary happy moments of bravery that show up out of nowhere. Usually, that’s the time I slap the shit out of my brain and tell my self “Wake the f*** up, little girl. Grow up already! No one is coming for you”.

I’ve been reading books with dark stories. Misteries and crime solving are one of the themes. They make me forget my life for a moment, and always dive in to those pages, anxious to find out who did it. Who murdered who? Who stole what? Who ran away from something? This is kind of news to me, who was always scared of stories that didn’t have that such happy ending. I wonder if I should write a dark storie of my own? Chose from one of those times when I see my life so black and turn it into a damn novel. Create the story behind it. Deciding myseld who killed who, and who stolled what. Decide if in the end there’s a hero that saves the girl, if someone actually comes to rescue her from that dark place she’s in. I’m no writter, totally got that already, but it would be nice to make that come true, all the hope for a hero to show up right on the corner and save the day somehow. Bring some color to that dark place that my mind sometimes travels to. Place some sunshine and rainbows in to that.

Like always, i don’t think I would be good at it, as everything else in my life. Imagine me, writing a book, a book of any kind. Me. Who can’t even finish up a blog post sticking to that same idea, that same feeling. Even now, in this one, i started talking about heroes and sort of end it up with a book of my own.
“Get it together girl! Grow the f*** up!”, i keep repeating it to my self as I watch the cars drive by next to me.
Closing the line of thoughts with the, also, familiar phrase from me to myself: “Who do you think you are?”, putting the phones in my ears and going back to the dark place in my mind where only the bad thinks are.

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